random thoughts~
i havent been blogging for ages.. yes i know.. been bz with work n also lazy.. lazy to update pics n stuff like that.. n then there's the lack of viewership even b4 i stopped blogging.. which kinda makes me think.. how many of the old friendships i've made actually mean anything to them? i dunno.. maybe it takes 2 hands to clap.. maybe its me as well.. maybe im just too caught up in my small uk bubble of work..then there's this uk bubble.. i wake up early to go to sch, stress myself over work n getting tutorials done... try to understand lectures.. often failing in achieving that.. n then coming home late to cook or to eat dinner till late.. then play dota n slp.. n the next day the cycle repeats itself.. seriously.. something is wrong somewhere.. im getting sick of this lifestyle.. holidays are here n yet im not looking forward to flying to eastern europe.. doesnt feel like a holiday.. doesnt help that i have to come back to my pathetic messy room to study for the rest of the time.. even more doesnt help that when sch starts it isnt just revision n studies.. there is a freaking radio proj to be done.. n then there's my course...
my dad asks me if i like my course.. seriously speaking.. i dont know.. it is interesting in its own right.. but i ask myself what m i studying this for? n i've been asking myself that qn for a long long time.. n i still cant answer.. do i like it? i prefer dota, cs, winning 11, soccer, basketball, shopping, watching movies, laughing a whole day with friends.. so does that mean i dont like it? i get a sense of achievement when i get my projects done cuz i know i put in a lot of effort and i know that im applying what i learnt... after the end of yr 2 i hope i have an answer..
and then there's this thing about friends.. when i was back in sg i missed my wilson bunch.. when im in uk i miss my church friends n of course my dear.. but right now? things r just changing.. im prolly gonna miss my wilson bunch even here.. who likes being left out? its not that im being left out on purpose and no i dont blame anybody at all so if any of u 3 read this.. dont worry about it.. its inevitable n i totally understand.. im not a kid anymore to go all crazy self pity all over myself.. but yea.. i ran for singsoc exco n i didnt get in.. the disappointment isnt great.. nor the regret of not trying for another position.. all this was my decision and there is no use lamenting now.. but it is inevitable.. our dynamics r changing n im less involved now.. u guys will envy me for being free.. but would u rather be free alone or be bz with friends? i know which i would prefer.. no matter how bz u r u will still find time to pull through.. it has been that way the whole of this term with projects and assignments and work n it will always be this way through life.. oh well.. i really dont know what im going on about cuz at the end of the day, this is only 3 or 4 yrs of my life.. it is temporal.. loneliness in exchange for a 1st class degree from a 1st class college.. worth it?
n then comes reality of life.. politics.. seriously.. what is the big freaking deal about running for exco n this linstead n wilson divide n senior junior pleasing n all that shit? this big woo hah about oh we're clickish n so on n so forth? no direct mention to any1 but seriously.. at the end of the day we are individuals coming together from all walks of life, integrating into 1 big family of singaporeans in london.. the fact of the matter is we're dependent on on another to survive.. does it matter big time that there is a domination of 1 particular house or there are stronger bonds between some n not with others? at the end of the day the exco serves its purpose.. we r all friends striving toward a greater goal.. whats the big deal who comes from where? cmon.. we're more or less adults.. lets grow up not just physically but mentally as well.. maybe im not putting my thoughts into words very well cuz i just read back n that was not how i wanted to put my pt across.. all i know is im not liking what i c.. but then again bitching will make it seem like im just having sour grapes that i didnt make it.. if u read this.. which i doubt many would.. u think what u want to think.. all i know is life could be a lot simpler and happier...
so m i happy here in uk? i've been happier.. there will nv from this day forth come a pt in time where i'll feel happier until maybe the day i get married.. whats next? more work in yr 2.. choices that i dont wanna make in yr 3.. furthering my studies without an aim in life.. working n possibly not liking what im doing or liking what im doing but not pleasing my parents.. going thru life knowing that ur best yrs have gone.. yea sure im in an emo state all of u wud say when u read this.. but hey.. come to me.. give me a reason to be happy.. really.. tell me something that i shud smile about.. n dont give me shit like im still alive n i have gd health (which btw i dont..) or im lucky to have a well off family.. cmon.. seriously.. tell me something about my life now or in the future that i can smile about.. something tangible and real.. something i absolutely cannot refute..
make me smile.. inside~
posted by kewell @ 1:00 AM
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